Night time is the worst because that’s when all of the rude comments from people come back, negative thoughts come in play, the realization that I have no one to cuddle up to and just cry on when I need it most. My worst fears, irritable, and crying all welcome themselves uninvited with full force banging at the door wanting in. Some nights I can keep that door closed but other nights, I am just too weak to hold it. I never expect people to understand but just to realize that I am not okay and that I am not sure when I will be okay. There are several signs if people watch closely to, that shows that I am not okay at all.
- I will all of a sudden start sending one word texts and not fully engage into conversation.
- All of a sudden I will just snap and tell you that I need to go.
- Get quiet and not really care to answer.
- I will text someone saying I need cuddles or hugs because the one thing I want is to be held.
- If I text you these three words “I need you” something is obviously up and please realize I do not say that to just anyone.
- Tell me to Smile, because that is when you will get the brave smile and trust me that is all you will get.
- Tell me that there is someone out there for me. Okay, I know this but is it not okay for want cuddles, and held when I am really down.
- Push me to open up or get nasty with me because that will just make me rebel and just push you away completely.