It is hard for me to write this because letting people into my world is not exactly easy, especially where I am most vulnerable. I pretend that I am okay, that there is nothing wrong and put a brave face on every day, but yet I want to crawl into bed and just cry and not care about anything. The smile that I put on for customers, friends, family and co-workers to see is usually just the brave one. The brave smile that says I am here, and I’m smiling at you but on the inside it is just one to please everyone and to keep them at bay. Yes, there are days when my smile is true and I laugh and make jokes but other days I am so buried into my problems that I cannot dig myself out. I have nights like tonight where I scramble to find people to keep talking to me to keep my thoughts from getting to me but yet I push people away when they start to ask how I am. I will say I am just fine but in reality I am not okay. During the day when I am out and about doing things and not just sitting here I am okay, but at night is when it hits me hard.
Night time is the worst because that’s when all of the rude comments from people come back, negative thoughts come in play, the realization that I have no one to cuddle up to and just cry on when I need it most. My worst fears, irritable, and crying all welcome themselves uninvited with full force banging at the door wanting in. Some nights I can keep that door closed but other nights, I am just too weak to hold it. I never expect people to understand but just to realize that I am not okay and that I am not sure when I will be okay. There are several signs if people watch closely to, that shows that I am not okay at all.
Night time is the worst because that’s when all of the rude comments from people come back, negative thoughts come in play, the realization that I have no one to cuddle up to and just cry on when I need it most. My worst fears, irritable, and crying all welcome themselves uninvited with full force banging at the door wanting in. Some nights I can keep that door closed but other nights, I am just too weak to hold it. I never expect people to understand but just to realize that I am not okay and that I am not sure when I will be okay. There are several signs if people watch closely to, that shows that I am not okay at all.
- I will all of a sudden start sending one word texts and not fully engage into conversation.
- All of a sudden I will just snap and tell you that I need to go.
- Get quiet and not really care to answer.
- I will text someone saying I need cuddles or hugs because the one thing I want is to be held.
- If I text you these three words “I need you” something is obviously up and please realize I do not say that to just anyone.
- Tell me to Smile, because that is when you will get the brave smile and trust me that is all you will get.
- Tell me that there is someone out there for me. Okay, I know this but is it not okay for want cuddles, and held when I am really down.
- Push me to open up or get nasty with me because that will just make me rebel and just push you away completely.